Highlights: The suicide of such a great man, has ROUSTED MY unbearable pain and sorrow!
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AKA: I NOW Have Forgiven Robin for His Suicide!
AKA: I Committed SUICIDE Five Times!
RevDate: 140826, (Changes posted at the end). Start Date: 140819.
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This Is an Ongoing Article:
I will update this article as the effects of Robin’s suicide unfolds in my emotions. Major additions will be added as an AKA and listed on my home page, therefore if you RSS> Subscribe, you will be notified about major developments.
The death of Robin Williams has hit me hard. His loss is a great sorrow to me as it is to the WORLD; I cried several times; that doesn’t happen often. The whole World was crying with me!
. . He could not carry his unbearable pain and sorrow. He used cocaine and alcohol to ease his pain; they did not work. He tried cocaine, alcohol, and finally suicide to end his pain and sorrow.
What message does his suicide send to the World? What message does the suicide of one of the best known of us send to all who also carry unbearable pain and sorrow? A person who “apparently” had everything in great ABUNDANCE! His pain and sorrow was so great that he did not think or care about the affect on the rest of us severely depressed people.
His suicide hurts me greatly. The suicide of such a great man, has ROUSTED MY unbearable pain and sorrow! Thirty years ago (1983), I fell asleep while driving and killed my precious Wife and our two fine Boys. I was the only survivor. But I died too: the real me died with them. I have never been the same since, NEVER! I have NOT had one single happy day since the “accident.” That’s one day, midnight to midnight. Even to this day, this very day, this very day that we all stand on today, NOT one of the more than the last 11,000 days has been happy for me!
I try to hide my unbearable pain and sorrow from others and try to forget it, to hide it from myself, but HIS suicide has ROUSTED MY emotions like NEVER before. It maybe months before I recover from his suicide, and my RAGING emotions return to “NORMAL” again.
. . What’s left of the real me is very ANGRY at Robin “FUNNY MAN” Williams.
The Days Following Robin’s Death:
The first day I learned of Robin’s death and suicide, I was overwhelmed by sadness, nearly in a coma. The next two days was a mix of sorrow and anger so great, so confusing, that I got into several verbal fights; I was the instigator. Once, bystanders threatened to call the police on ME! I walked away before they did. The third day, and ever since, I have been talking to strangers whenever I found one that would listen. In the past, I felt safe telling strangers and crying in front of them; I did so only once in a while.
Sharing over the Internet WAS a release:
Sharing my pain, pain that I have tried to hide from others, WAS a release for me. Just sharing with my friends and Internet Friends did make me feel better. I am very grateful just to have shared with you.
. . But the response and guidance you all gave me has gone way beyond that: YOU have punctured a hole in my malignant pain tumor, and the pain, pain that has festered for over thirty years, is draining out in a steady stream. Before I posted, it would sometimes dribble out.
. . Thanks mainly to my Internet friends, I am writing about my pain and sorrow, releasing my pain and sorrow by continuing to write about my reactions to Robins Williams and my Grief Journey.
Yes, I do know the Grief Journey very well: I have been walking, crawling, and collapsing on it for over thirty years. One woman’s comment, “Walt, lean on us. We are supporting you with our prayers!” is my greatest inspiration. Her comments of support and guidance have been of great help; the comments you have already given me have done more than anything in the past. As I write this article, I will think I am sharing with you personally. You are invited to stop in from time to time to see how I am doing. Please leave your comments; they are my inspiration.
. . My gratitude to all of you is as great as my pain WAS, no, make that greater!
I thank you all with every drop of tear that falls, with every drop of pain that is shed FOREVER!
Because of that “NAP” I lost my Joy, my Love, my Excitement; I lost my family. I am a family man without a family. I have not loved anyone or anything since, not even the first of my three sons (all three lived with us)! My first son was my greatest joy, before I met my second wife. Now I don’t even want him; that is also a great tragedy and sorrow to me and him. For years I had hope that I would find Joy, Love, Excitement again. But after about 25 years, I have lost all hope: my Joy, my Love, my Excitement are lost forever.
I Committed SUICIDE Five Times!
I ended one life and started another at least five times. I made planned but DRASTIC changes to get myself out of a rut, out of a funk. After awhile, months or sometimes several years, I realized this wasn’t working and ended that life and started another. I made DRASTIC changes; it wasn’t just getting a new hair cut either. NO, I changed my whole life style. Now and then, I would see someone who lived a different life style and SEAMED happy. I would talk and befriend them to learn their ways. If I liked what I learned, the current me would commit “suicide,” and a new, totally different me would take his place.
. . In these different life styles, I had many adventures, all clean and sober, that would amaze most people (I will write about them, if there is enough interest). My adventures included LIVING with six different women. None of the different life styles worked, none save me from my pain and sorrow. I now know the very foundation of my life is the pain and sorrow of losing the family, the life I really wanted.
Why NOW Robin?
I speculate that the pain and sorrow of Robin’s life was great enough for him to turn to drugs, alcohol, and comedy. The addition of Parkinson’s Disease was just too great for Robin. He knew the road ahead was hard, very hard, and he knew he would never return to “NORMAL,” as I hope someday I will.
. . Believing this has helped me a lot: I find it is easier to accept suicide, if it is induced by a chronic, difficult, PHYSICAL disease.
I NOW Have Forgiven Robin for His Suicide! (August 25)
My Pain and Sorrow is Being Washed Away by the Flow of YOUR Love!
My Great pain and sorrow is like thick, heavy silt blocking shipping in a narrow channel, choking the bottle neck so that only small ships can pass. Robin Williams suicide EXPLODED the silt and made the murky waters totally opaque. In the past when, some incident stirred the silt, the silt would settle back after awhile. But the Robin Williams incident ROUSTED nearly the entire blockage. In a few months, almost all would have settled back down, and I would have returned to “NORMAL.”
. . This time is DIFFERENT! The flow of your LOVE is a powerful current that is carrying the silt, the blockage, the pain and sorrow AWAY!
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START OF I4H CHANGES: yymmdd=date:
Sharing WAS a release:
Why NOW Robin?
I NOW Have Forgiven Robin for His Suicide!
My Pain and Sorrow is Being Washed Away by the Flow of YOUR Love!
140824 Added: This Is an Ongoing Article:
Added section: The Days Following Robin’s Death:
Added section: I Committed SUICIDE Five Times!
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Published: 140820. Posted: 140820. Check g, Checked sv.
This is a very interesting article. Robin Williams was an inspiring person to me as well. It took me a while to comprehend that behind all the façade there was his own, private ongoing turmoil. Nobody could help – the doctor can only tell you what’s wrong, but the rest – it all depends on a person. The choices we make with those diagnosis/prognoses, the steps we make to recovery or to better life, the faith we put into work – the final product is the physical manifestation of our internal ability to sort things out and stand victorious atop of the calamity. Can we do it on our own? It all depends where we get our source of energy – God’s or our own.
In life we gain experience through personal repetitive interaction, feedback, visible and feasible (or not) results. When it comes to a verdict of inevitable death – there is no time to practice or interaction, or defending yourself, learning how to fight it. It’s just it. And Robin knew it was taking over him, and he understood the outcome. What a beautiful life!